2024: the year of silent transformation, grief, and rest

sometimes, you need to go sit down and that's ok

hello, happy new year. we are officially in 2025.

I feel like the beginning of each new year is filled with a barrage of events that make the already long month of January feel even longer. We’re well into January and 5 years later, we’re still here. Coming into this new year, I have avoided making any resolutions and goals and instead have chosen to reflect on the previous year.

2024 was a year of isolation. I spent so much of my time, to myself - in my cacoon. I started the year by stepping back from my job and eventually leaving later in the year. It turned out to be a year that was very internal and intentional year for me and while we’re in a new calendar year, I still feel like I’m in 2024 energetically. It could be just me but the recent news feels like the usual chaos. In deep solitude, I allowed myself to just be.

1. catching the light during a morning walk 2. me in the morning light 3. a rainy day 4. caught the full moon

Parts of my identity shifted in that solitude.

I found myself in solitude - like literally, I looked around and I saw that I was stripped of the life I had once imagined for myself. Isn’t that funny how when you ask for change, the actual reality is a surprise and feels like constant whiplash? (Slow down!? i’m just a girl!!!) I started the year healing from a toxic work environment. My health forced me to step back and look at my reality. I started connecting with nature more - from spending my mornings in the sun writing in my journal to more walks around the park. I didn’t realize it at the time but I desperately needed grounding. So I spent more time outside, touching grass. See the post about hiking below.

In stillness, I grieved. While I was grieving parts of myself through life’s changes - a dear friend of mine passed away. My spirit was and is broken. Kristen was my girl! How could it be? For so long, I just could not understand. We had plans to meet before shortly before she passed away and this tormented me for months. Why couldn’t I see her one last time? Why isn’t she here? Why? Why? I know I’ll never get that answer and that will never not bother me. Mourning my friend altered my understanding of love and grief. It’s a concept I know imtimately but not this way. I have heard that grief is love that does not have a place to go anymore. I miss my dear friend. I feel so blessed to have known her in this life. She was the best. I like to still think my friend is still with us just not in the physical.

Finding stillness and sitting in it are two separate things and I struggled with the latter.

I’m still working on sitting myself. I guess that’s the thing about growing up, it’s constant. Because of that, you’re constantly shifting. At times, the constant shifts are exhausting! The year sat me down and allowed me to really examine who i thought i was to the world around me and who i was (and wasn’t) to myself.

There’s a saying that we haven’t met all the people that will love us and I believe that also includes all the different versions of ourself we’ll meet through all life’s shifts. In this season of solitude, I have to believe that is true. I sometimes worry that I’ll be in this forever but I recognize that is my inability to stay in this story. My need to prepare for all the possibilities. I deserve to put down my worry and be in this story. I’m actively working on this. Growth is scary but so liberating. I traveled solo for the first time. I played more. I listened to more music. I went on REGULAR HIKES! I rested. I laughed. I cried. I moved my body more. I existed! I sat in solitude and loved more on myself. I found new ways to listen to myself.

I said this before in my Seattle Trip post but the words still ring true. In my stillness, I was able to appreciate my evolution. I learned to celebrate myself and in doing so, I could appreciate and see all the many ways I have morphed into my present self.

Experiencing seismic shifts to your identity is not for the weak. Maybe it’s the ‘30s’ of it all but 2024 felt like an ascension year and while it was scary at times, I know it’s been for the best. This year has been about trusting myself. In that decision, I have been stretched in ways I thought were impossible, and I know this is just the beginning.

Wishing you all a great year. I hope you love yourself deeper in this new year.

Until Next Time,

Nneoma